Joke Bout a Chick Wanting to Have a Blue Baby
Here are 110 of the all-time jokes and i-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present.
Best jokes from comedians
"Crime in multi-storey motorcar parks. That is wrong on so many different levels." – Tim Vine
"Do you know what I love almost nearly baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the clay. And that'south just in the hot dogs." – David Letterman
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." – Steve Martin
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other mean solar day inside my fort." – Zach Galifianakis
"I used to piece of work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays yous minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? 'Hey, if I could pay y'all less, I would, merely it's confronting the law.'" – Chris Stone
"Beloved is similar a fart. If y'all have to force information technology it's probably south***." – Stephen K. Amos
"I like an escalator because an escalator tin never break. It can only become stairs. At that place would never be an 'Escalator Temporarily Out of Order' sign, merely 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs'." – Mitch Hedberg
"If I was an Olympic athlete, I'd rather come in last than win the silverish medal. You win the gilded, you feel good. Yous win the statuary, you think, 'at to the lowest degree I got something.' But you win that silver, that's similar, 'Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in showtime! You're the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!'" – Jerry Seinfeld
"We weren't very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer." – Richard Lewis
"My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body similar a Greek statue – completely pale, no artillery." – Phil Wang
"If God had written the Bible, the first line should accept been 'It's circular.'" – Eddie Izzard
"I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved." – Sara Pascoe
"Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book." – Frankie Boyle
"You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett
"Nearly of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly always visit Syrian arab republic." – Alex Horne
"A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, just in reception there's a pic of a pebble." – Rhod Gilbert
"Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't final long if you're fatty." – Joe Lycett
"My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that'south how he lost his job in disaster relief." – Mark Watson
"Evidently smoking cannabis can affect your curt term retentivity. Well if that's true, what do yous think smoking cannabis does?" – Mickey P Kerr
"How many philosophers does it accept to change a lightbulb?…. none. They're non really into that sort of thing. If it'south that dark, lite a candle." – Phil Cornwell
"The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves." – Alun Cochrane
"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't beget a canis familiaris." – Gary Delaney
"Two fish in a tank. One says: 'How do you drive this affair?'" – Peter Kay
"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis
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"People who like trance music are very persistent. They don't techno for an answer." – Joel Dommett
"I used to leave with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. Yous'd always go some bloke complaining that he couldn't run into the screen. It's a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? 'Well he can take his hat off for a start!'" – Paul Merton
"Commonly yous have news, conditions and travel. But non on snow day. On a snow day, news is weather is travel." – Michael McIntyre
"Here's a picture of me with REM. That'southward me in the corner." – Milton Jones
"Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other 24-hour interval.
'Would yous buy a second-hand car from this man?' they asked.
'Would you buy a second-manus car?' I replied." – Miles Jupp
"With stand-upwards in Britain, what you accept to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, nosotros don't have to swear. Reason being, things work." – Henning When
"I'm learning the hokey cokey. Not all of information technology. Just – I've got the ins and outs." – Iain Stirling
"Roses are red, violets are blueish, I'one thousand a schizophrenic, and so am I." – Billy Connolly
"My female parent told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you lot don't want to. And then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards." – Sarah Millican
"My therapist says I take a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see near that.'" – Stewart Francis
"I'm sure wherever my Dad is, he'south looking downwardly on u.s.. He'due south not expressionless, merely very condescending." – Jack Whitehall
"'What's a couple?' I asked my mum. She said, 'Two or three'. Which probably explains why her marriage complanate." – Josie Long
"The easiest fourth dimension to add insult to injury is when you lot're signing somebody'southward bandage." – Demetri Martin
"I was in my car driving back from piece of work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, 'One minute I'm on the phone.'" – Alan Carr
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"My phone will band at 2am and my wife'll look at me and get, "Who's that calling at this fourth dimension?" I say, "I don't know. If I knew that we wouldn't need the encarmine phone." – Lee Evans
"I doubt there'south a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought information technology for a timeshare." – Victoria Wood
I said to the gym instructor: "Tin you teach me to exercise the splits?"
He said: "How flexible are you?"
I said: "I tin can't make Tuesdays." – Tommy Cooper
"A human being walks into a chemist'due south and says, 'Can I have a bar of soap, please?'
The pharmacist says, 'Practise you desire information technology scented?'
And the man says, 'No, I'll take it with me at present.'" – Ronnie Barker
"It'southward really difficult to define 'virtue signalling', as I was saying the other mean solar day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop." – Lucy Porter
"If we were truly created by God, then why exercise we withal occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?" – Dara Ó Briain
"Exercise Transformers get car, or life insurance?" – Russell Howard
"Alright lads, a behemothic fly is attacking the police force station. I've called the SWAT team!" – Greg Davies
"A good rule to recollect for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain." – Graham Norton
"My male parent drank then heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles." – Les Dawson
"I've been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I practice CBT. Now I tin ride a motorbike, how's that going to help?"
– Eric Lampaert
Classic 1-liners
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster!
I backed a equus caballus terminal calendar week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.
I went downward to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to brand a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."
A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in x did.
I was having dinner with a world chess champion and at that place was a check tablecloth. It took them two hours to pass the common salt.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "Oi – get out. We don't desire your type in here."
I'm in a groovy mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year's supply of Marmite – 1 jar.
I saw this human being and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: "Are y'all 2 an item?"
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her upward and said: "Did you become my drift?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Distressing, we don't serve food in hither."
A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you, only don't start anything."
I met a Dutch daughter with inflatable shoes last calendar week, phoned her upwardly for a date but she'd popped her clogs.
I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn't observe any.
Went to the doctors and said: "Accept you got anything for air current?" He gave me a kite.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
I'grand on a whisky diet. I've lost iii days already.
"Doc, I tin can't finish singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home." He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it mutual?" I asked. "It's non unusual," he replied.
Two aerials meet on a roof, autumn in love and become married. The reception was bright.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. I was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged 1 – and let the other one off.
Went to the zoo. There was only ane dog in it. It was a shitzu.
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Gimme a beer and a mop."
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, nosotros take a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "Actually? In that example, give me a Kyle!"
I went to the doctors the other day and he said: "Get to Bournemouth, it's great for flu." So I went – and I got it.
Went to the corner shop – bought four corners.
I met this gangster who pulls upward the back of people'southward pants. Information technology was Wedgie Kray.
I'll tell yous what I dear doing more than than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I tin hardly contain myself.
My side by side-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he'due south a Cosmic converter.
I've got a friend who's fallen in love with ii school bags. He's bisatchel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you lot tin can't have your kayak and heat it.
Almost a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Cringe-worthy (just amusing) puns
A human being just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
Did you hear nigh these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to encounter how they turn out.
My colleague tin no longer nourish next calendar week's Innuendo Seminar and then I have to fill her slot instead.
I'k a big fan of whiteboards. I discover them quite re-markable.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can experience it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all twenty-four hours.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That'south the concluding fourth dimension I exit brownies in the oven while I nap.
Did you hear about the ii silk worms in a race? It concluded in a necktie!
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it ways a lot.
The hereafter, the nowadays and the past walked into a bar. Things got a footling tense.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I institute out she was seeing someone on the side.
I recently heard most a mannequin that lost all of his friends. He was too clothes minded.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at schoolhouse? It's okay. He woke up.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I go along pretending to exist a Transformer. I said, "No, look! I can change."
And some jokes for the kids
Why do bananas accept to put on sunscreen earlier they go to the embankment? Because they might peel!
What practise you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk milk shake!
Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moo-vies!
How practise yous know if there's an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!
What practice you lot call a moo-cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What exercise you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!
Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you tin can see right through them!
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use love combs!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
Why did the human run effectually his bed? Because he was trying to catch upwards on his slumber!
What practise you phone call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!
Why did the teddy bear say "no" to dessert? Because she was stuffed.
What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.
What did the left eye say to the right middle? Between the states, something smells!
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!
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Source: https://inews.co.uk/light-relief/jokes/funny-jokes-110-funniest-best-one-liners-192413
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